Thursday, January 17, 2013

Being Open and Honest with my Thoughts..

I don't usually like to blog about sacred and personal things about myself, I like to blog about the fun things I am doing, things that make me laugh, accomplishing goals, that sort of thing.  But I've had a few things on my mind lately, and after reading Ask Mormon Girl, I can pretty much summarize what she said.

I consider myself to be a liberal, feminist Mormon.  Gasp...did I just say feminist?  Oh my word, that word brings out the crazy in others at times.  After taking a diversity class last semester (one in which I believe every living person should take, it changed my life, it opened my eyes to what true diversity is, and my biases.  I think we could all use reminders at times at our biases because it's all about being aware!) Anyway, the word feminist has always been a hard one for me to accept about myself..until this class.  To be a feminist does not mean I am lesbian, does not mean I hate men, does not mean I am a power hungry female trying to take over the world.  In the words of bell hooks, a woman I have come to admire, feminism is simply, "a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression."  To me, it also includes letting everyone be the way they are without judgement or criticism.

 I have struggled the last few years with people in the LDS community who have judged me for being a "different" Mormon.  Again, this is something I don't talk about often, it's a very private thing.  But I also think that I am coming to truly love and accept this side more, and in doing so, need to be more vocal about it. I've been told my whole life how open minded I am, how accepting I am others, how Christlike my love is.  I consider that to be the greatest gift I have been given by God.  I really do look at others and seek to find the best in them, seek to listen to their views even if they are completely different than my own, and I especially seek out friendships with people who are considered outside the definition of what our world considers "normal" or "acceptable."  Because I choose to love others so openly, that has caused differences to appear in what the typical female Mormon is like, or in how others define how a "good" Mormon girl should act (not that that is wrong).

I have worked incredibly hard at not putting labels to myself or others, and it hurts me when I am labeled a certain way, especially with a recent and extremely amazing relationship that I have developed in my life.  This relationship has caused me to really reflect on myself, my beliefs, and what I desire most in life.  And it turns out, what I believe for myself doesn't match what others think about me.  Going back to Ask Mormon Girl, another Mormon feminist that I have come to respect and admire.  Her blog has made me feel, for the first time in my life, that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings about being a liberal Mormon.  Surprise, surprise, there are more than just a few of us out there!  This is her words on having an interfaith relationship AKA marriage: "Will people have feelings about your interfaith marriage?  Of course.  They might be disappointed, overjoyed, or judgment, or supportive.  And their feelings about your marriage are their business....not yours." This was the best thing I have read about my experience in a while.  I have been so hurt by how others have reacted to my relationship, who have labeled it as something it is not, by the advice they felt that they should tell me without fully knowing or understanding my experiences, that I actually had to give a lot of people in my life a time out.  Turns out that what they think about ME, about MY relationship, is not pertinent to me because it's not my business!  What a relief!

 I have come to finally accept that I'm not the typical Mormon, I never will be, and I'm okay with that because I choose to love and see others as I feel Christ did (does) and that's enough for me.  One last thing that Ask Mormon Girl said that I LOVED:  And here’s the big story God gave us to make sense of all these situations:  you have a choice in this life–stay in the garden naked and simple, stick to your holding pattern, or make a choice, take a bite, get dressed and go learn something.  Be fruitful and multiply.  Fall in love, learn, make some mistakes, laugh, serve other people, reproduce, and let the whole story start again.  That’s what it’s all about.  

I think that's what I'll choose to do.  Because after all, this is MY one and only wild and precious life and I'm going to make it the best that I can!

Friday, January 4, 2013

Yes, It's been a while!

Holy cow, I've ignored this blog!  For good reason, though.  The last semester of Grad school was a doozy, along with working hard with this group of first graders this year, having a student teacher (which I LOVED and wish I would have done sooner, she was fantastic!), and spending any extra free time with my favorite guy (see pic below).   But guess what?!  It's now January, and I'm FINISHED with Grad school!  I don't get to walk until May, so it doesn't seem too real yet, but at least I don't have class at night and homework every weekend, I can actually focus on other things and read books other than textbooks, and spend time with other people!  My next focus is updating my resume, and start applying for jobs in Salt Lake area.  I'm taking a leap of faith because I'm ready for a change, as hard and scary as it makes me feel.  Change has always been hard for me, but has always been the best things I have done for myself, and I know that acting on my faith, it will all work out the way it needs to.

On another happy note, I spent my Christmas break in California!  Definitely much better weather than the below zero weather we have been experiencing here in Northern Utah.  Lots of fun at Disneyland, shopping at Balboa Island, and eating lots of yummy food!  Hopefully I'll have more pictures to come, but here is Bryce and I on New Year's Eve in Disneyland, so fun!

I decided this year not to really set a New Year's resolution.  I'm just going to focus on working hard, playing hard, and loving unconditionally!